Jungle IS MASSIVE!!!
Friday, 4 March 2005
Here follows a very long entry in which Rachel tears the arse our of her trousers, Dan says "These Jungle creatures are bloody shrill aren't they?", Daz eats all the chocolate cookies occaisionally stiring to mention that the jungle is indeed massive, and Catherine is carried through the jungle by some Natives. Read on if you have stamina...
It all started at six am. A massive tropical storm was raging outside, lightening cracked open the dark sky, and everyone was feeling a bit narky (as one does at 6am). The Narkiness was not applying to Rachel because she was full of Beans. Some suspect she collects beans from rare bird species...
Our famous four set out into the torrential rain, through a market selling fried Chinese sweet and sour dumplings, stuff wrapped in banana leaves and tiger balm amongst other delights. Before long they were soaked and on a bus heading out into the deepest darkest jungles of Borneo. The journey continued by chartered boat which whisked them through an estury, which eventually turned into the South China Sea. The sky was bruised with patches of brilliant blue and a string of luminescent white clouds maked the half way point up the emerald mountains. At around nine am they were dropped off at the edge of a mangrove swamp. "Super!" They all exclaimed "Its a bit like the National Trust, good signage and a visitors centre with a resident snake - Rock on!". They chowed down heartilly on cold fried egg and jam sandwiches, before getting a bit intrepid...
The jungle was filled with strange beasts; wild bearded pigs, monkeys with long protruding noses, 6 foot monitor lizards with bright blue tongues, pitcher plants that trap and eat insects and small frogs, and all mannar of pretty Butterflies. "Come to Monkey Moma!" Shouted Rachel, who was in high spirits and definately up for a bit of Probiscus Monkey action. Understandably, the monkeys were reluctant and didn't come out untill quite a bit later. The four sweated through several different types of jungle in the 33 degree heat and 85% humididty. "Gosh! I'm as sweaty as a concubine's birthing canal!" Catherine was heard to utter on more than one occaision. Rachel, the motherly one, made sure they all stopped regularly for snacks and drinks. After about four hours of splodging up hill along a stream, Catherine, normally as sure footed and graceful as a mountain goat, had a Nasty Fall, and badly twisted her ankle. "Don't worry!" Said Daz and Rachel we'll hike down to the ranger station and get someone to stretcher you out. "And I'll stay here to protect you from wild boars!" Said Dan, heroically.
What an adventure!
Dan and Catherine sat in the mud for an hour and a half watching Catherine's ankle get bigger and bluer. Eventually it had a lump on it about twice the size of a tennis ball, which was a mottled purplish colour.
How exotic!
Then a tribe of natives appeared, panting, with a stretcher. They were very kind.
"How much you weigh?" They said. "More than you," said Catherine.
They carried her down the steep path on the stretcher. It was just like being a Jungle Queen! And apart from when one of the men slipped over and dropped the stretcher breaking it a bit Catherine really enjoyed it. She could look up into the canopy and search out the Simian life forms within.
Halfway through the journey the procession encountered a Mysterious Foreign Lady, named Annette. She had studied in Australia and knew some bush magic. Taking Catherine's bulbous ankle in her hands she pressed secret pressure points and smothed the torn ankle ether back to it's original place, draining the wound of almost half it's fluids, presumably the blue half, as the wound also changed colour to pale pinky purple. Catherine was very grateful to the woman as it meant that her foot was no longer in constant excruciating pain.
"Cheers!" She said, "that's wicked!"
"Good Skills!" Said Dan.
The last kilometer of the journey was on flat decking with a fence along the side, so, taking pity on the poor native men Catherine decided to hop it using the fence. Anyone wanting to know how to get rid of their bingo wings can be assured that carting your own fat ass along using only your arms and left leg works in only one day.
A nice doctor came over and looked at Catherine's ankle. This is filled with blood he said, you should go to the hospital you might have chipped off a bit of the bone. "Not likely," thought Catherine, "my bones are hard as nails." But she went anyway.
On The Amazing Allure of Rachel and Catherine
After having sweated through the jungle for 8 hours, covered ourselves in mud. Pissed on our own feet (that was just me - squatting on only your left leg long enough to have a wee IS impossible), and ripped a massive hole in the ass of our trousers (just Rachel). We got asked out by the men who put the cast on my leg. We have damn sexy pheremones!!!!
On the Ending
Obviously the end of the adventure in true Enid Blighten style is this:
And the Famous Four all went home to eat cake and pasta with lashings and lashings of red wine and painkillers.
I am now hopping around Borneo like a big white side show. The people in the hospital did not give or sell crutches, hence this very long entry - to get back to the hotel (two blocks away) Involves hopping across three lanes of traffic and dragging my caste in 83 % humidity and 33 C. This takes some time...
And is another good reason to own a sports bra.
Incidentally another thing that flip flops are not good for is long bouts of hopping - they catch and fold over and make you fall.
On March 04, 2005, Dan said:
There's 3 sets of new photos if anyone is interested. They include pics of this jungle mission to prove we are not lying...
Have a look here...
On March 04, 2005, Helen said:
Enid Blighten would be proud of your spiffing escapade. Sounds jolly good fun. You're just missing a dog and a kindly aunt with a dodgy name
On March 05, 2005, Dan said:
Helen! Hellooo....where are you at now? Getting close to your going home time isn't it now..?
Hope all is well and you've managed to curtail your mishap rate slightly...
On March 06, 2005, Catherine said:
Hi Helen,
Dan thinks you are someone else... I know better. It's true it was fun!
On March 06, 2005, Dan said:
Yes, erm, well, oops. It's hot here.
On March 06, 2005, andy allen said:
sounds like your all having a wicked time. hi dan it's andy from stafford your dads old partner, just been reading his journal, and it appears he's havin as good and humourous time as you guys. keep it up sounds great.