How Great is Australia? These scores just in.
Monday, 30 May 2005
Using my patented formula I have discovered just how great Australia really is....
(4x9) - (2X5) + 14 = 40
That's not bad really considering I spent most of my time here in a complaints centre.
Atmosphere 4
If Australia was a person it would be a cross between a bigoted old man and a lovable hoon with one over sized hand for self back patting. There is more than a little self love involved in it's National psyche. These people really just can't stop patting themselves on the back, be it for donating money to the Tsunami, being great at sports or slaughtering the best meat around. At the same time they do seem to need a lot of reassurance that they are the best country, nearly everyone we've met here checks up on the fact with us. Aussies come out with a lot of racist shit (Wog, for example is a widely used term), and drive like they're possessed, or drunk, or both, but there is something very cool about them all the same. People really do just say what they think with absolutely no bullshitting. And most people are really friendly and helpful when you speak to them (people who call complaints lines aside).
Food 9
The food in the cities is great, you can get practically anything in Melbourne and Sydney and there is a distubing amount of it. My tip is ask for the entree size unless you are going to be doing an Australian amount of sport to combat your bourgoining obesity problem. In the outback you really only have the choice of what type of meat you want in your pie.
The boozes are many and varied and there are even drive through off licences (possibly accounting for the style of driving here). Cascade and Boags which are both Tasmanian beers are the best ones and Carlton Draft is the Chang equivalent. Australia is also the spiritual home of the wine box which I have already gone on about at some length.
Ooops forgot to mention Parmas - the greatest pub food in all the world!
Toilet badness 2
The toilets here are fine. They have a really interesting feature whereby you can judge the heftiness of your creation and decide on whether it needs a half or full flush. Yesterday I found out that you can also press both at once and create a one and a half flush if you've really been chowing down on the roo burgers and Carlton Draft. I gave a badness of 3 because of the toilet in Seb's mates shop and the one in the KFC in Melbourne town centre, which has an overflowing used syringe box no toilet seat, bog roll or soap and burn marks in the sink. These two just let the whole country down.
Scariness 5
Hoons are scary. As are most people who are allowed to drive cars. Apparently Jay walking is illegal here and cars seem to take it as their righteous mission to speed up and mow you down if you cross at a non designated area. There is also a vast amount of wildlife that wants to kill you; sharks in the sea, snakes, crocodiles, spiders, aggressive kangaroos....
Environment 14
Australia is a beautiful dry land and I think the scenery and the wierd wild life are the real reasons to come here. The great ocean road has some beautiful scenery magnificent coastline and wierd rock formations. The Grampains are literally where some massive giant got the world and folded it up into a mountain range, bare rocks breaking the earths surface. And the outback is BIG and burnt and very pretty for a while. It also has that massive rock thingy which is mighty impressive. The blue mountains are cool too. The cities are big and well designed and extremely clean with lots of nice parky bits. We didn't get to see the great barrier reef.... (this would probably bump up the score further)
On May 31, 2005, Seb Horse said:
I feel reassured that this is best country on earth and that all the wogs will stay out and mate with abos who sniff petrol.
Horse
On May 31, 2005, TrayNOR said:
Good Comment.
On June 01, 2005, Dan said:
SEB!!!
Cheers very much for all the stuff and things. You are definately responsible for at least one of those points. You should be proud.
On June 01, 2005, X-land said:
Perhaps you'll come back to find that England won the Ashes and the Australians will not be able to pat themselves on the back. Or perhaps you won't.
On July 27, 2005, Amelia Jade said:
Australians are the most unfriendly people ever to have existed in the history of the universe.